Author: atourinsidemymind

Late at night, I find myself talking to the moon

Searching for your everlasting smile.

Wondering if you think of me still?

And why this world has been so wild.

Do you still frown upon the rising sun?

Do you still walk around without a smile?

Do you still ask yourself why it hurts so much?

Do you miss me every once in a while?

I look upon the stars at night

And wonder why it’s been a while.

I miss our endless conversations

& the way I made you smile

I sit here talking to the moon

While I’m a thousand miles away

I hope and pray that you’ll realize

My love for you will never die

& maybe someday, in the future our love again will reunite.

Why is it that we hold on to those things that are bad for us?

Why do we crave pain instead of happiness?

Because if something is too perfect its not right. Its weird and its unknown to us.

Why do we keep running away? Why is it the scariest thing in the world?

Because to put your trust in someone after the word trust has been completely redefined is scary.

Do we really take the chance to be vulnerable to the idea of love? Is it worth to open yet another door?

When one door closes another one opens right? But why do the doors keep closing in the first place?

What if we don’t want to go through anymore doors. What if we just want to stop.

Do we take the chance to be loved and broken yet again?

Or do we just keep living and not give a fuck?

Mhhh, let’s not give a fuck.

I wake up every morning with a smile on my face

To make sure that everyone thinks that I’m sane

Same smile on my face that I carry everyday

To make sure that no ones sees that I’m fake

That I’m faking the smiles, & the laughs, & the rest

& all other emotions I fake them the best

For I carry these smiles to pretend I’m okay

& keep hoping and praying that one day I may

Along the many thoughts that cross my mind I always find myself questioning and wondering what my purpose on this cruel world is?

In a world where in a simple blink of an eye you could lose those closest to you and millions of people die I find myself wondering why I am still alive.

There must a reason or I must have some sort of purpose or meaning to my life, I would like to think.

Over the last few months or so while I discovered many things about myself I also found my purpose.

I always questioned God for all the hard roads that I went down to and the many struggles that he put me through, but I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t anything but grateful of the many lessons that came along with all the heartache.

To those who know me you’ll find yourself smiling as you read when I say the same thing you’ve heard me say time after time

“I was born to change the world!”

In the smallest way that it may be but I would like to think that anything is possible and so it is why I share my thoughts, emotions, struggles, and heartaches with you; Because in a world that is filled with billions of people it is very often that we find ourselves feeling so alone. I too have felt alone. I still do sometimes.

So with heart in my sleeve I hope you find comfort in my writing and it changes you in any way. This is my purpose.

I found comfort in books. I’ve always enjoyed reading but I often found myself reading the most when I was going through hard times.

It was while reading beautiful poems, other people’s short stories, and personal writings that I was able to understand and finally realize that I was never alone.

I was able to understand that we go through the many obstacles in life because we must fall and learn to get back up, to be able to face anything that comes our way, and to become the actual person that we were meant to be.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from your mistakes?

I share this with you because I also have walked along the many dark roads this world has to offer, and I too have been lost and felt purposeless.

There are good days, bad days, and those which are unbearable.

I live for the good days.

So, What is your purpose? What is the meaning of your life? & Why do you live?

She walks around this world with a million judgy eyes on her back.

Why does she have those deep scars on her arms? they all wonder.

“Let them wonder,” she says.

For not one living soul will ever understand the story behind her scars;

Because this story is one she still is trying to understand herself.

Why the lights keep fading and the ground keeps sinking in.

Lower and lower she goes.

The sinking hole so wide and full of shame that she has nothing to hold on to.

So she sinks; with all her sorrow, and her anger, and her pain.

She’s given up trying to tell her story because she doesn’t think anyone will ever understand such nostalgic sadness.

But how can the beautiful shining sun be followed by such darkness?

They all wonder…

So let them keep wondering what’s behind those beautiful scars

For this story is one to be untold.

There she goes down this dark lonely road.

There she goes down the road of no return.

Your day is finally here! Today you begin a new chapter in your life.

Today you turn into the beautiful smart woman that I knew you’d become.

One of the biggest blessings was crossings paths with you back in 2006.

Ill never forget you were one of the first people that ever talked to me during the first weeks of our 7^th grade in middle school.

I had just been transferred from my ESL classes to regular classes and it was one of the most terrifying things ever.

I was the new Spanish kid. I knew enough English to get me by. I had only been in this country for 2 years and learning a whole other language was quite the challenge.

Nevertheless, it was during those times where I felt no one would ever notice me that you came along.

You approached me during our math class and was nice enough to even introduce me to your friends.

As time went by we became the closest of friends.  By the end of our first semester I was part of the group.

I’ve met many great people along the way, but you became my closest friend. We became inseparable.

Over the last twelve years of our beautiful friendship we have made the greatest memories.

We’ve shared many laughs, wiped many tears, argued countless times, & given plenty of advice.

We’ve fallen in and out of love, experienced heartbreak, lost friends, lost ourselves, found ourselves, hit rock bottom

But along the many challenges and blessings life has given us; we have always had each other’s back.

As the years went by and we began to figure out our lives there was times we grew apart.

We’d go weeks without speaking or seeing one another but we always knew we were there for each other.

The second I would call we would conversate for hours and pick up right where we left off.

Now I never really got along with any of your boyfriends. For one reason or another it’s almost like I knew they couldn’t give you the love you deserved & so they were never good enough.

But there is one thing that I was very sure of the second I met your fiancée; he was perfect for you.

From the first conversation, the way he looked at you and held you, & the glow in your face every time he was around I knew he was the one.

I knew that he would protect you, be not only your lover but your friend, and most important I knew he could make you the happiest girl in the world.

When you decided to become a mother, you couldn’t have chosen a better father.

Today I sit here blessed to proudly say that on this beautiful day you walk the isles of the house of God to marry your soulmate.

Today you take the next step into happiness and begin the journey of marriage with your beautiful family.

It is in times like these that its truly hard to find a pure honest love but I am confident to say that your love is one of a kind

And I want you to remember that although the road ahead might not always be so easy

If your heart is in it and you never give up; it will be the most beautiful thing of your life.

Today I sit here proud to be your best friend and to help you take the first steps into this new journey

May God bless your marriage, protect your family, and always keep the fire burning.

Love,

-your best friend.

I am the biggest believer in the quote “Everything happens for a reason”

Yeah a bit cheesy, but usually the first thing people tell you when shit goes south and doesn’t end up how you wanted it to go.

Well “dude everything happens for a reason” and/ or “shit happens” Is what you typically hear from your peeps.

Embracing the outcomes, learning, and growing from these certain situations is what’s important. Things will always continue to happen that are beyond our control and out of our hands.

And so yes! Shit does happen. It happens all the time. But how we choose to deal with these situations and how we grow from them is what’s important.

Ask yourself. How will you turn the worse outcome and worse situation in your life to be the biggest blessing you’ve ever had?

Here is my answer to this question.  I recently had to go through one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I experienced true heartbreak.

Not your puppy love 2-week depression. No. Your full on “fuck this life” type of heartbreak. I lost myself along the process of doing everything I could to force someone to love me.

People, you cannot force someone to love you! No matter what you do. People are blinded to all types of nice shit you do for them. And so yes, I got taken for granted. Boo Hoo! Sad story.

Anyways throughout the process of this heartbreak I had to deal with many phases of darkness. Mind you I was really the good guy and everyone that knows how shit went down with my 7-year relationship can probably agree.

I always shamed myself to try and make sense of why I got treated the way I did, and why such a beautiful thing ended up being the most painful thing ever.

And so I blamed myself. Time after time. For all the possible bad things you could think of me I thought about myself 10x worse.

It was the worse experience of my life. I lost myself. I lost what I thought was my purpose. You could almost say a part of me died a little. The light in me had vanished.

But it was amongst the darkest days that I truly began to understand the many things that happened in my life and what each one of them had to teach.

Amongst the darkest days I found the brightest light, learned the most important lessons, and began to truly appreciate life.

Amongst the darkest days I found myself, my purpose, and my happiness.

And so I sit here blessed. Blessed to share that today I love myself. Today I am an individual walking on this earth with purpose.

Today I fully understand my worth, what makes me happy, and what I truly deserve. From the worse experience of my life I learned the greatest lesson life had to teach.

& today; Today I live.

Along the blinding bright lights, I sit with such darkness.

Numb from my toes to the tips of my fingers.

I cannot feel a thing.

These cloudy thoughts that make my brain feel as if it were on fire.

The burn of frustration flowing through my veins.

I can hear every thought even as they travel along; a thousand miles an hour.

These lost thoughts rush through my brain almost as if they were searching for shelter.

And what a darker place is there to hide in other than on my mind.

Shelter they seek. Shelter they find.

I can hear them all.

And amongst the loud thoughts a rush of peace flows along.

Beautiful silence.

My mind is full and empty all at once.

And amongst the silence; I can hear them all.

It is in the valley of dreams where I chose to come and heal my soul.

When my body could take no more pain

And exhaustion was all I ever talked, or thought about

It’s the valley of dreams my soul chose to follow

For I knew new beginnings exist

You must first find the courage.

Then follow the road to all the amazing wanders this world has to offer.

Still people think I’m crazy for leaving 938 miles away from home to be exact.

But I left a home that no longer felt like home. And so I chose to follow the road to something new.

Scary road it is. Full of wonders and adventures that are yet to come.

But it also comes with much peace. Peace for my mind that I longed for. Its almost as if this place takes over.

Controls my mind. Sorts my thoughts out, and even suppresses the dark ones. Amazing huh?

I was real skeptical about this whole “new start thing”. Trust me I cried. A lot! More than you can imagine.

I sat with many friends, family members, and even strangers to decide yet the biggest thing I’ve ever decided my entire life.

Was it worth it? Totally. Haven’t yet found full peace of mind but I honestly have come to realize that there is no such thing as complete “peace of mind”.

My mind is always going crazy lol, or sort of feels like it, but it almost feels a bit sane in this place. Or the closest I’ve ever felt to sane.

Although I also believe it is almost impossible cause I’ve yet to meet a single sane person. Everyone has a little bit of crazy in them.

Which is why I’ve  also realized there is a whole bunch of crazy in me . Back to the same question who just picks up and leave? Leaves everything behind?

But what is everything when there is nothing left?

I once read a book that explained how life was nothing but a very long big dream.

Well this is the perfect place to dream. So let’s keep dreaming.

You know that random feeling when you cross paths with a certain individual

Like when everything in the world feels so wrong at the time

And “boom” suddenly, it’s like God sends you someone to connect with

Like a gust of wind when it becomes hard to catch a breath

Almost as if he is saying “Hey you are not alone!”

There is more people like you out there.

People that feel trapped, alone,and lost.

LOST. Such a meaningful and meaningless word.

Why do we feel alone?

Why the need to have a certain individual make you feel whole.

Maybe the whole point is to find those other lost souls

So that together we wander the world.