Author: atourinsidemymind

What the heart desires?

It desires YOU.

Throughout the years one of the biggest things that I have learned is that every single person that we cross paths with was put there for a reason and not out of coincidence. No!

People are literally walking living-learning experiences.

Every single person that makes an impact in your life was put on that same exact path for that same exact reason.

These people were bound to meet you and its not always for a good reason but it won’t always be for a bad one either.

Whether it was to shed a little knowledge, bring you a little comfort, shed a little light, or bring a little darkness into your life there will always be something to learn from these walking-living-learning experiences.

Have you ever asked yourself how others have made an impact in your life?

Those around you, a stranger, your loved ones?

Whether it was good, bad, or just totally random?

Sometimes it’s those that have been around for a while.

Sometimes it’s those strangers you meet on a daily basis.

Sometimes it’s those who briefly came into your life and are gone now.

What impact did they make in you?

Yet, the biggest question to ask yourself is;

What impact did you make in them?

We walk through the room so nonchalant giving this vibe and sensation of no care in the world.

We want no one to give a fuck but we want people to notice us.

We want no one to care but everyone to listen.

And so we yell and the top of our lungs, but no one hears us.

And so we cry for attention but no one sees us.

And so we try asking for help but no one helps us.

So what do we do next? Where do we go now?

We walk this world living day by day like maybe sometime, someday, something magical will happen.

We will be ok…because at the end of the day this is what we are given.

This is the life that has been handed to us and it is our job to reach our destinations and our goals; so set goals and reach every single one of them.

Why live with regrets?

You make the most of what you’re given!

You make the most of the bad and the best of the good.

That’s the way life is; so find your purpose, reach your destination, and find your happiness.

There are times when I question time after time the decisions that I constantly make.

In all honesty, I pretty much doubt everything I decide but regardless of what the outcome is from those decisions I always face it right on.

We are bound to make mistakes!! It’s bound to happen!! It is inevitable!! So just choose!! Whether its left or its right, up or down, pick a damn path because in reality you never really know where each path will lead you to unless you decide to go down that path.

Going down whatever path you choose will bring you so many things, some bad, some good, and some completely terrible, but it will also make you wiser and teach you the best lessons this life has to give.

So take your chances!! Make a move on the one guy/girl that totally makes your stomach twist and turn, pack your stuff and move, explore the world, meet strangers, help strangers, make the world a better place!!

Even when you think it is such a little gesture you never really know how much of an impact you can make for others.

Whatever path you decide to go down to, do it with your gut!! Whatever your gut tells you to do, just DO It!!

There will never be a GOOD or BAD path.

Don’t have any regrets! 

Yes, we probably could have made better choices and yes we probably could have done things maybe just a bit different but how would you handle those situations the next time they come around if we haven’t gone through those things before?

Once they happen again and again because they will, that’s just how life is; you will know exactly what the best choice is to handle those situations.

Life is a living lesson people!

Life is the biggest lesson that we have been given.

So make the most of it guys!! Laugh a little, cry a little, dance a little, do whatever the fuck you want.

Unwanted SOUL which wanders the world

with no care for tomorrow

and for what’s yet to come

Feeding off the idea that maybe one day

she will reach the destination

that she so longed desired.

Unwanted BODY which wanders the world

just wanting to party

to wash away the memories

that she held onto for so long

of those who have came

and claimed her to be

& those who have gone

and never returned.

Unwanted LOVE which wanders the world

giving everything away and expecting nothing in return

for love is all she ever had to give

& love is all she ever hoped for.

854 more miles to go.

854 dreadful miles of torture.

As I count down every mile stick along the highway I keep torturing myself with the many words filling every possible sentence that is written on your final goodbye.

You handed me the socks I left behind and inside it contained the last words of our story.

Here it is oh this dreadful fuc**ng day.

The same day that I’ve been dreading for a very long time.

Here you handed me the same letter that I’ve been trying to write for months.

The same letter that I so cowardly could never hand to you.

The same letter that has sat on my mind with the intention to be written but could never wrap my mind around the idea of ever saying goodbye.

Today you beat me to it.

A big part of me knew I was too much of a coward to ever do it.

How many times did I sit here talking to myself back and forth going thru every possible scenario of how this last conversation could of gone.

Nothing more than a simple conversation, one last kiss, and the words that hold closure to our dearest love.

One last smile as I drove away one last time.

854 more miles as this letter that sits besides me is opened to deliver yet another heartbreak.

Somehow it feels like a whole different type of HURT. A whole different level of PAIN.

For this time I am no longer saying goodbye to my lover.

For this time I am saying goodbye to my dearest friend.

854 more miles to go; until we reach our final goodbye.

Will you still love me even through my darkest hours?

Will you hold me close and dear to you when I can’t smile?

Will you wipe away my tears when the world feels impossible?

Will you tell me to fight when I no longer want to?

Will you help me get up when my soul is sinking in?

Will you tell me you love me and remind me to live?

Will you be patient and hold my hand?

Will you kiss my forehead and tell me “it’s alright”?

Will you still love me when I can no longer love myself?

Will you?

There are times where I thought I could trust the warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach.

The butterflies which have turned my stomach inside out.

The burning sensation rushing to my cheek bones.

Truth is, it is this same exact feeling that has always led to the worse pain I’ve ever experienced; heartbreak.

It is during these times where I’ve let my heart lead the way that I always end up in a dead-end.

When I find the paths that seem the most beautiful to follow I always wind up getting lost.

I lose myself time after time, making unknown turns. I follow the roads that I believe will lead to happiness.

Only to find hopelessness. It makes me wonder what I continue to do wrong.

Why is it that I see everyone that surrounds me feel so complete and yet I sit here feeling so empty?

Keep wondering because I’ve yet to find the answer to that question. All I know is I will not give up.

How many roads have you followed & how many dead-ends have they led you to?

And yet here we are walking on this earth still trying to figure out what our destination is.

So next time you come across a dead-end its simple. Just turn around and find another road.

There’s are endless roads to this life. Eventually one will lead to everything you once dreamed of.

In a sudden instant I am out of air and it becomes so hard to breathe.

I can feel the pain in my lungs as I try to take deep breaths

& It hurts.

On this very same moment I am NUMB.

Numb to everything.

Contradicting enough I can still feel it all.

How is that possible? You wonder.

Well it is. And I find myself yelling at the top of my lungs (well at least in my head) but I really am just SILENT.

I hear nothing then I suddenly hear everything.

All my thoughts.

Those deep dark thoughts.

My palms are sweaty. My stomach in a knot and the tears keep coming.

Like an open faucet running through my face.

I can feel nothing.

Nothing at all.

I can feel everything.

I feel it all.

I was in the second grade on September 11,2001. I was living in my grandparent’s house in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

I remember it vividly when there was a sudden panic at school during class. I can see the teachers going from room to room talking to one another. My teacher walked back into the classroom and decided to turn on the old dusty TV that was hanging on the left corner of the room.

She right away flipped through the channels looking for something that I didn’t know quite yet. She stopped right on the news channel where they were playing footage of a helicopter circling around buildings that were on fire.

I had no clue of what was going on or where this was taking place, but I know that it was bad by the reactions of the elders around me. It was a sudden change of mood and you can feel the very chilling vibe and wave of emotions that were circling the school.

They made us all meet in the middle of the basketball court in front of where the stadium was located. The principal then approached the podium and began to announce that the day was being cut short and our parents were being notified to pick us up. At this point we were instructed to wait and hang out as our names were called when our parents arrived.

Looking around you can tell that just like myself as an 8-year-old none of the kids had any clue of what this day was going to be in today’s history.

I walked around looking for my uncle which was a year older than me and attended the same school. I found him playing soccer with his friends, so I sat to watch him along with my friends as we waited for our parents to arrive.

About a half an hour later they called our names. We walked towards the gate where we found my grandmother along with my mother waiting for my uncle and myself.

As we made our way home my mother asked if we were hungry. We left school before we could go to lunch, so we had not gotten a chance to eat. I was starving and so I told my mother I wanted “Pino burger” which was my favorite thing to eat.

My mother silently shook her head and we made our way to get our lunch. I could tell something was wrong. I can feel it everywhere. I didn’t ask a thing. I was trying to figure it out myself, but it didn’t make any sense because I had never seen so many people give off the same type energy all on the same day.

We got off at the restaurant where my mother and my grandmother made their way inside. I followed my uncle to the back of the building where the playground was located. We ran around and played for a few minutes before they called us inside to go eat.

We approached the entrance and found my mother and grandma sitting on the last table in the back of the restaurant where the TV was located. I sat excited ready to eat my favorite burger ever as we watched the news. As I was eating the same footage kept playing over and over again.

Many different footage and angles of the same 2 buildings that were on fire. At this time, you could see the same repeating footage of an explosion on the second building. Everyone’s faces in the restaurant were in awe, and their expressions were all so similar. Concerning looks and whispers throughout the tables and among the employees of the restaurant which were now standing behind the tables looking at the TV.

The conversation between my mother and my grandmother was very discreet and they didn’t really say much; but by looking at their faces I could tell they were affected by whatever was going on.

We finally got home after our lunch and I made my way into my room. My mother demanded for me to change out of my school uniform and to begin working on whatever homework I was assigned.

They were in all in one room, my mother, my grandmother, my great grandma (which had just gotten there), and one of my uncles which also lived with us at the time.

They were all surrounding the TV in my grandparents’ room as they just kept watching and listening to the news. I snuck in between my uncle which was sitting on my grandmother’s rocking chair. I sat between his legs quietly trying to understand what was going on.

A few moments later the news anchor began to panic on live TV as the buildings began to collapse. During those moments which felt like they were in slow motion I could see the footage of the buildings falling and a big cloud of smoke began to spread throughout the streets of the city.

I was in shock still not knowing where this was taking place or what was going on, but I knew this was bad, very bad. I looked around and I can see my mother and grandmother crying.

I saw my uncle softly hugging my grandmother and so I made my way into my mother’s arms. At this point I had to ask. “mami what’s going on?” as I looked at her very confused.

My mother then explained that in this world there is good and there is evil. She explained the situation and told me what was going on in New York.

She said no matter how good we are, we have no control of other human beings and just as there are many good people there are also very bad ones.

On this very dark day evil won. On this day a country which wasn’t mine yet lost many lives; and the whole world mourned for them. The whole world stood together as we all watched evil win.

On this very day I understood the many things an evil person is capable of and as a 2^nd grader I also mourned for the many lives that were lost.

From this day on and every year I am reminded of the very dark feeling that I felt on the same day of September 11, 2001.

On this very day I remember those whose lives were lost, and I pray for their families.

On this very day we all stand UNITED not only as a country but as whole human race &  today WE REMEMBER.