Author: atourinsidemymind

Just a Texas girl sharing her thoughts, experiences, and stories hoping to change peoples lives in any way that I can. I have always enjoyed reading but only until I was completely broken and lost did I realize the importance of writing down what you feel. I was able to relate to many things I read and feel so much better in many different ways. This truly inspired me to put my feelings and thoughts into paper so that you guys can hopefully relate in some way. Enjoy!

What If?

by atourinsidemymind

There are some stories that we cannot re-write, wounds we cannot heal, memories we cannot erase, and pain we cannot forget.

No matter how hard we try to, all that we are left with are the many lessons learned and the many “What if’s?”.

What if I loved you more?

What if I tried harder?

What if I held onto you longer?

What if I wasn’t enough?

These are the many “What if’s?” that linger in my head, along with the infinite memories of you.

But, aside from the “What if’s?” I also have many lessons that you taught me.

Some good, some not.

I learned that love is patient, and that some battles you cannot fight on your own.

I learned that communication and respect are key.

I learned that it is okay to love more but still always put yourself first.

And most importantly; I learned that love is not forced.

Sight

by atourinsidemymind

If I don’t ever get to see you again ,

There are many things that I’d like for you to know.

Like the simple thought of it; making it impossible for me to breathe.

Like the fact that the 102 freckles on your imperfect skin are my favorite to see.

The heartbreak of never seeing that rare beautiful smile that brings my world into a blur.

If I don’t ever get to see you again,

I would like for you to know.

That I never imagined a life were you were not a part of.

The hardest goodbye

by atourinsidemymind

I remember the time when we planned our entire lives ahead of us

Without thinking of anyone or anything else.

Everything felt so easy

and everything felt so right.

We were caught up in the moment and while I looked into your eyes I could see an eternity by your side.

It was an infinite moment, one which I wanted to last forever.

But for one reason or another I realized what people meant when they tell you to never plan ahead

For you never really know what life might throw at you.

For one reason or another as time went by we grew further and further apart.

I tried to hold on to you as hard as I could with all of the strength that I had

But in the process of losing you I was also losing myself.

I lived in a fantasy where I hoped nothing more than for our lives to go back

To the moment where we had nothing but laughs

And endless conversations until we lost track of time.

My love the story of you and I was always meant to be a short chapter

But as short as it was it will always remain my favorite one.

Today I am left with nothing but the bittersweet memories

and having to say yet the hardest goodbye.

How to function while your broken.

by atourinsidemymind

Why am I gonna lie to you there is basically no possible way to do this, but here are some tips on how to get by:

You just smile and pretend you are OK. Even the most forced smiles will get you by.

You talk to people and hope that they do not realize that half of the things they are telling you are not even processing in your brain, but you nod and you smile and pretend you are all ears.

You say “YES!” to every possible invite you get even if it means doing things you dont enjoy, but at least you get a distraction out of it.

You do not let your mind go dark! Number one rule!

So what that means is you get your ass up!

You go for a run even if you hate running.

You go to the gym even if you’re clueless where to begin.

You call your friends whom you haven’t spoke to in ages and ask to hangout even you don’t really like spending time with them. Sometimes the most annoying ones end up being your last option but the most available so just deal with it.

You will probably drink a little too much because being drunk definitely helps and that is totally fine just do not over do it like I do.

or over do it who cares at this point right?

and the number one thing is you sleep! Sleep it all off. You can’t feel a thing while you sleep

or at least I don’t so that’s helped me quite a bit.

You take on any hobbies, as long as your mind stays busy, maybe reading, maybe writing like I am right now.

And if you’ve made it this far down my list you’ll realize that most of these things have helped me get by but there is no way I can continue lying and tell you it’ll get any better because the only thing that I can tell you is that TIME is the only thing that heals all.

When the time is right you’ll do all these things because you enjoy them and not as a distraction.

You’ll smile because you want to and not because you have to.

So keep on pretending until you do not have to pretend anymore.

I promise you one day it will all get better.

The goodbye letter.

by atourinsidemymind

It is the last day of the month and I have probably waited a little too long because people are not talking about it as much as they were during the first days of the month. Suicide prevention month!. This is sort of something that hit straight home with me specially this year because it has been the toughest year we have all dealt with, including myself. Suicide rates are off the charts, and are the highest numbers you have seen in the last decade. There are a lot of things that we are dealing with in today’s society, but this is something I want to be a part of and share my story; at least the part that ties to this particular topic.

See i’ll start off by saying that if you are actually one that knows me you’ll testify to the best of your knowledge that I am a happy person. Cheery to say the least, I have managed to always remain charismatic, easy going, trustworthy, a conversationalist, and if I must say definitely an extrovert. I have always been able to adjust and surf through society by being able to give and receive conversation. It is the only way to just get by; attracting the least of anyone’s attention to your own self. See somewhere along all those endless smiles there was something so dark inside of me that was beyond repair. I became an expert at pretending until I could no longer hold back the tears, and the knot that always sat in the back of my throat, the sleepless nights, and the long prayers hoping someone or anyone would hear me. Here is where the realization began; some people think that certain events or situations in my life caused such a drop in this rollercoaster of emotions, and yes some part of that is true. Nevertheless there was absolutely nothing I can make up or say to you to make you think or believe there was something wrong in my life. There was absolutely nothing wrong going on, I had a girlfriend at the time which I thought I loved or whatever that was. I’ll leave that conversation for another time but getting back to topic besides my alright relationship I was living with other roommates who had became the strongest support system I have ever had. During this time I also had a very supportive family and everything around me was fine and dandy. So with time passing by and me feelings this way almost everyday that passed by I began to question myself and ask what in the world is wrong with me? Why am I so damn sad? Everyday I am asking myself the same question but even then I found no answers. I continued to walk the dark road and somewhere along; I lost complete grasp of myself.

I tried to take my own life during this dark time; it took a huge toll not only on me, but on my loved ones as well. From the bits and pieces I remember, one of the worse days of my life was that day. I was so disappointed in myself waking up to familiar faces around me. The look on their faces is one that I could definitely never forget, but more than anything would never like to see again. As my friends and family surrounded me I could genuinely see that I had hurt them in a way that I could never take back. All of a sudden I realized how much of an impact I had made on these people, and the impact they made in my life. I was so disappointed but it was that day that I made the decision to not only fight for myself but fight for those that are always around me showing me love. Shortly after another life changing event happened, and this one tops any dark day of my life. On July 14th of 2015 I lost my friend Jaime. My friend took his own life, not warning anyone, not leaving a single explanation or even a simple goodbye. In the blink of an eye he was just gone. I will not get into all the sad details but that day was another awakening for me. Jaime was an only child and he had many friends including myself who loved him so dearly. It was something beyond my understanding and it affected not only his family but every person that surrounded him including myself. It was this day that I made a promise to never in a million years put my family, friends, and loved ones through one of the worse pains I have ever experienced. I could not be that selfish. After this tough time I was able to stay afloat and I continued to fight through this horrible thing we call “life”.

Throughout the years things got much better and I was able to adjust in many different ways with the darkness that came and left my body like a shock of energy. It was spontaneous and it came along even in the most unexpected times. Eventually it hit so hard once again that I hit rock bottom for a second time. During this darkness I decided to write something to everyone. One simple goodbye letter to not one particular person but so broad enough for everyone and anyone to understand. I never really intended to actually use this letter, and I do want to make it clear that as I am writing this today I am absolutely fine and there is nothing that you need to worry about. Today I share with you this letter; the letter I swore to the core of myself that I would never show to anyone. Blessed to still be here writing to you I am also sharing with you some of the lowest points of my life. This is my soul being the most vulnerable it has ever been. Regardless, as deep and dark as this may get I am only sharing this for the sole purpose of bringing a little ray of light into your world, and to make you aware of your surroundings. To pay attention to the people who are in front of you that you somehow always seem to look right past. To pay attention to one of the biggest silent killers of them all. Sometimes it’s those things that you can’t see that you need to pay attention to the most. It is those who carry the biggest smiles who carry the biggest problems, but their infinite smiles are what get us so distracted that we become so naïve. Check on your friends, your family, your coworkers, and anyone and everyone that you care about. Here is my letter of darkness to shed a bit of light into one of the biggest problems we face in today’s society:

“To whoever reads this,

First and foremost I want you to know that I tried. I tried so hard for you, for them, for everyone. I even tried at some point for myself. Along the road I realized that I was exhausted beyond measure… there was nothing or no one that could change that. It was not your fault, it wasn’t theirs either, I’d even like to think that it wasn’t mine as well. I was never perfect but every time I did anything it was with my heart in my sleeve and never expecting anything in return. I lost myself. I found myself. Yet I have lost myself once again…. a never ending cycle. There were happy days. Shit there were amazing days as well, some I could never forget. But the unbearable days were the worse and I could never share that with you or anyone else. This was enough burden for one person. I could never put this on you, or on them, or on anyone. I was happy for the most part, I was really really happy. I was grateful. I was loved. I also loved with all my heart. Along all of that I was also hurting all my life. There was always something missing… and the search went on for days, weeks, months, and years. I am sorry that I never found it. I am sorry because now you are broken and you are hurting more than ever. I never meant to make you feel this way. I hope you understand that the things I felt were beyond you, beyond them, beyond me. As much as you don’t understand them I could never understand them myself. I am here right beside you. I am with you every step of the way. I will always hold you dear. I will always watch over you. My biggest fear is that you’ll one day forget me. I hope you never do. I love you forever.”

Love always

-V

YTEIXNA

by atourinsidemymind

You have a hold on me like no other

With the strongest grasp around my neck

You make it impossible to breathe

Yet my lungs fight for every oz of air

Everytime you come to mind

My stomach starts to act bizzard

A million butterflies invade my insides

Flying around their infinite home

They never seem to go away

It is here they’ll forever stay

But what is there left to do but embrace you

We have been through it all

You’ve made me cry

You’ve made me yell

You’ve made me always doubt myself

But as strange as this may sound

And underneath all of the bad

You are the only thing that’s made me feel ALIVE.

Resurrection

by atourinsidemymind

There have been plenty of times throughout the years where I sort of get discouraged and I begin to veer off my path. I sidetrack from the goals and dreams that I once had, and reality sort of just hits. I ride the wave and I embrace and settle for everything and everyone I have around me, and worse of them all, I become very comfortable in the situations I face and the pure earnings of my actions. See let me explain to you why this is a big ” NO, No”, I am not a settler! I have big goals and even bigger dreams. Throughout the last year, I have experienced one of those big halts in my life. One of the biggest struggles that I faced was what is called “writer’s block”. For a long time writing was my escape and throughout one of the biggest years of my life with so many ups and downs it became my sanity. While I was faced with the decision to leave the beautiful state of Colorado which I had the pleasure to call my home I sort of lost myself a bit. Not only was I saying goodbye to my little safe haven and the place that to this day I believe healed me, but I also had to face the heartbreak of leaving the most amazing beautiful people I had the pleasure to meet. My year in Colorado brought nothing but joy and happiness into my soul, but most importantly it brought me balance. It was there where I learned self-love, grew my confidence, and where I solely focused on myself and all of my goals. After a year and a half, I became a whole different person, and let me just say that I loved everything about myself. There was nothing or no one that could get in my way and for once I felt that I was exactly where I belonged. Unfortunately, the dream didn’t last so long and after some time due to personal reasons I began to face the decision of letting go of my little piece of heaven and make my way back to the people I love the most. See it is not as bad as it sounds because although a huge part of me was devastated to leave, an even bigger part of me was full of excitement to come back home. Eventually, when the time came I said my goodbyes and within just one year of my life I had faced so many changes. This eventually took a big toll on me and made it very hard to keep up with myself. It sucks yes big-time, but I would not change one single thing about it because it has also brought me many blessings. Although I wasn’t where I wanted to be I was exactly where I belonged and with the people that I belonged with. See the point of this is that although things happen in our lives that might guide you in another direction from the one you should be on; it is okay to get lost every once in a while. Regardless of the time you’ve been lost the destination is always the same and if you have to take the back roads to reach it then so be it as long as you get there. It has been almost a year since I have written anything and since I sort of lost focus on the important things in life. Today thanks to the motivation from my loved ones and this fresh spark in my life I have regained my strengths and refocused my mind to get back on track. It is never too late people!. As long as you have the will power it is never late to work on yourself; at the end of it all once you reach your destination there is absolutely no one that could ever doubt you.

YOU

by atourinsidemymind

You walk around this earth with no worries for tomorrows or any concerns about yesterdays.

I can see right into your eyes and be so afraid yet feel so at peace.

It’s confusing, I know. & it’s petrifying.

You don’t belong to me.

You don’t belong to them either.

You don’t belong to anybody.

A free soul wondering the world in search of the same thing we are all looking for.

A mystery chaser. A storm in the making.

You are the sun and the moon.

You are the light.

You are the darkness.

YOU are everything.

Des Fautes

by atourinsidemymind

Every soul should get the same exact chance to make mistakes.

To learn, to grow, and to change.

The point here is to change for the better.

To find and become the best version of ourselves that we can possibly be.

We make mistakes!!. We make them all the time over and over again.

Eventually we learn our lesson and we realize that everything happens for a reason.

These mistakes haunt us and make our lives a living hell.

Regardless, along all the chaos and all the dark roads that we travel through we also gain a lot of knowledge, and along with the knowledge comes the growth.

We eventually see the bigger picture & all of a sudden in the blink of an eye our perspective completely changes.

We realize that we were always meant to go through these things & make many mistakes in order to get to where we are now.

At the end of it all that is all that really matters.

These mistakes molded us into the person that we were one day meant to be.

That is the biggest lesson to learn of them all.

So ask yourself.

Who were you then?

Who are you now?

& Who were you destined to be?